[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
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The photographer’s assistant
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller