It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
That lamp looks PISSED.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014