Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu