Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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I have so many questions.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!