Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>