“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
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When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I camp so other people don’t have to.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday