Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
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ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Muppet Screams
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar