I’m about to risk it all
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The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
TRAIN’S HERE
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.