Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*