them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
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ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
This raises questions
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
yes yes a thousand times yes!
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos