Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
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I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.