[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
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I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.