My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!