I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
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boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping