“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
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“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.