Don’t make me out nice you.
You Might Also Like
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
This has made my week.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out