I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
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I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do