Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
water it, i dare you
Print is alive and well!!!
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
gm
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.