me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
So that’s what we looked like?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”