I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star