as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
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Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
early stone age tool
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire