Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
The fall of Netflix
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.