In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
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Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.