Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”