Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
LA today:
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Phonetics
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I see your IQ test came back negative
Ha.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.