If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Why I divorced her.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.