The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense