I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Oh hi lol
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Based Erika
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”