50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Truth
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Haha! 😂
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.