Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”