[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?