Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
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Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused