i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
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No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Brands during Pride
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.