People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
new year update: losing everything but weight
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.