No good deed goes unposted on social media.
You Might Also Like
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?