I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
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If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Mornin
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*