We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
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home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I hope it’s French Onion!
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”