I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
🤣😂🤣
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
me
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.