She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
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Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me