Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
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Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby