Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
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I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.