[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
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If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
A man of commitment.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong