bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*