Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My new favorite headline
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.