Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
You Might Also Like
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’m awake but I object,
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.