Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
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[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Breaking news:
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*