[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
You Might Also Like
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume