HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
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Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My Plans 2020
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.