My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
the last thing a carrot sees
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers