Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Danger is very dangerous
This is the one
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
it be like that
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part